My friend Roger Johnson recently posted Letting Go of Meaning, a powerful entry in a collection of insightful wisdom he calls the Roger Johnson Weblog. I am a regular reader of Roger’s work, but this particular entry really inspired me and wrenched from me a response so poignant that I had to post it here. In Letting Go of Meaning, Roger writes:
I searched and searched for the thing that would make me valid. Depression and terrible anxiety were all that I found.
Roger, you have just touched on the very thing that I struggle with most. I have spent my entire life seeking something to prove I am valid, to show that I am worth something, that my existence means something.
For short periods of time I thought I had found it, but invariably the illusion was broken and each time and I was left with greater doubt than before. I no longer trust my ability to know what is best for me, or what I should do. This has left me in an awful predicament, a sort of stagnation that I hate but am afraid to break out of.
I have been very successful in a variety of careers and I have a bachelor’s degree, none of which I care about any more. I married a woman who had four children and helped raise them for 13 years. She left me three years ago. None of them bothered to even call me for Christmas. I didn’t call them either, but I tried that for awhile and it was never reciprocated. I don’t care about that any more either.
I drove trucks for awhile after my divorce thinking that might clear my head, but all it did was make me lonely. After 30 years of working I am unemployed and don’t want to go back into anything for which I am qualified. I have applied for numerous entry-level positions in new fields but cannot get an interview because (I presume) my background makes me overqualified. I may have to lie about my experience and hide who I am and the accomplishments I have made just to get a job.
So, do I lie about who I am just so I can stop feeling so guilty about being unemployed? Do I take another corporate job so I can feel good about myself for a little while? Do I remain unemployed so I can write a novel or maybe get part-time work that leaves me time to write? (My girlfriend who I love and adore is a doctor and makes plenty of money so that’s not an issue. What is an issue is that she is supporting me and that makes me feel worthless.) I don’t know.
I feel lost but I guess knowing I am lost is better than thinking I know where I am going when in fact I am lost. If ignorance is bliss then awareness is cruelty, but no matter how uncomfortable I am, living in truth is a better thing than perishing in delusion.
I just wish I could get to that place you describe:
There is being and knowing, that I am, everything is built upon this.
I need to find a place that will allow me to keep what I do and who I am separate. What I do is not who I am, but yet I have seen it as such for so long that I am having trouble keeping the two apart.
Well, I guess I’m off to start inventing someone who might be able to get an interview. I think my resume objective should start off, “Mixed-up middle-aged disillusioned professional seeks fulfilling, inspiring and creative entry-level position with enough time off to write a novel.” How does that sound?
Tags: delusion, get a job, illusion, in a rut, living in truth, meaning, search for meaning, stagnation, unemployed, validity
January 4, 2008 at 1:37 pm
After a violent storm, the sun will shine once again. You should not get discouraged. Instead, you should think of this as an unusual challenge – one you will overcome sooner or later. Just be yourself!
January 5, 2008 at 12:07 am
Awareness is freedom, attachment is cruelty. No explanation. We are what we perceive.
January 5, 2008 at 1:00 am
Thank you both for your comments. This was a hard post to write and yet it flowed out of me like a waterfall. I don’t think either of you know the impact this blog, and the kind comments of souls like you, have made on me. Bless you all.
undercanopy – I am sure the sun will shine again. I am not worried at all that things will turn out well for me. I guess what I’m concerned about is that my life has led me here, in spite of (or because of) the choices I have made. I was the classic overachiever and this is where it got me. Now I want to find a new pattern of living, something simpler and purer. I am on the verge of letting go of my old ways and that both excites and frightens me. I think you are right. I just need to be myself and not try to be what I think I should be. Just be myself.
sulochanosho – Yeah I know. I was being a little sarcastic about the awareness being cruelty thing. I like what you wrote:
Words to live by my friend. You have no idea how that truth ties into what I am going through right now. The anxiety and confusion I am feeling is the “cruelty” to which you refer and is the result of my stubborn attachment to my old ways of perceiving myself and the world.
I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something. Awareness is coming like a gentle breeze and is truly the freedom that I seek.
January 6, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Life doesn’t throw more at us than we can handle, even if the answers are hidden and seem impossible. I think it enjoys throwing curve balls and such. As undercanopy said, you will overcome the challenge.
You know I’m a natural spiritualist and that animals have taught me a lot. Well, yesterday while reading this post, lizard’s lessons came to mind. So here’s the rest of my response.
January 6, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Hiya Mish Lee – I agree that life doesn’t throw more at us than we can handle. I’d like to add that life throws at us what we need to handle.
What I mean by this is that life has a funny way of knowing the lessons we need to learn before we do, and knows just what obstacles to place in our way to lead us in the right direction. As you have said, life enjoys throwing curve balls and it is important that we treasure our challenges for it is in the solving of these that we discover the hidden answers, the nuggets that we would have otherwise missed.
I am sure I will overcome the challenge, but I know that it is not the destination that is important, but the journey.
January 6, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Yep on all counts.
Because I love quotes…
January 6, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I’m not positive, but I think it may have been Hunter S. Thompson who originally said that.
You should read some other quotes attributed to this gonzo journalist here.
January 6, 2008 at 11:16 pm
After reading some of his other quotes, it might be. I searched but those listing his quotes didn’t have that one and those that quoted it all said unknown. Ah well. Thanks for leading me to more quotes.
January 8, 2008 at 7:24 pm
This is my first visit to your site via Roger Johnson. I would just like to encourage you to remain faithful to yourself and trust that the right work will come to you when you are ready for it.
That was quite a blow you took there. From my own personal experience, when you get the rug pulled out from under you like that, it takes a long time to start trusting your instincts again.
Trust the process. And never sell yourself short.
Best of luck to you!
January 8, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Lydia – Thank you very much for your sage advice. You are absolutely right. I must trust the process and have faith that the right work will come in its own time. I know this in my heart yet I am still having anxiety. My core has indeed been shaken and I am in a place I have never been before (but that in itself might have great value). For the first time in my life I don’t know what to do.
During the final interview for my last job, my boss told me I was selling myself short when I told him my salary requirement. (I applied for an enrty-level network admin job but he eventually hired me to be the team leader for a complex project working with his most important client.) He saw something in me that I could not see in myself, but I guess it makes sense since it was right after my divorce. I cannot allow that to happen again, but this time I don’t really care about the money.
No, this time it is different. This time I cannot sell myself short on the type of work I want to do. I want to be happy in my work, not just well-compensated, although that is ok with me. Unfortunately, I am not sure what kind of work will be most likely to help me on that path. Luckily, there is no hurry. If only I was clear on what I really want…
January 9, 2008 at 8:20 pm
The right job will find you when the time is right. Just hang in there and do what you are called to do each day. It is natural to feel some anxiety here and there. Just keep turning it over and doing whatever will bring you back to feeling “centered”.
It sounds like you are on the right track.
January 10, 2008 at 4:22 pm
The right track indeed. Through a series of events, the mayor has asked me to revamp the city’s website. I originally volunteered to help with a historical preservation project, and now I am being paid with the offer of future work. As soon as I accepted the offer I knew I had made the right choice.
I have done website design professionally in the past but I didn’t consider doing it as a freelancer until today. Of course I feel some anxiety going out on my own, but it feels more like freedom than the choking anxiety I felt before. I will go ahead and design this one website and decide what to do from there. I swore I would never start another business, but…
January 10, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Funny how things come along… Congrats on “the right choice” and heading in the right direction.
It can be scary leaving the nest and flying on one’s own, but it sure is fun. Well, I’m enjoying my freelance work anyway. You won’t be starting another business if you don’t see it as such. How about just getting compensated for projects you enjoy doing?
Cheers!
January 11, 2008 at 7:01 am
I make it a point in my later years to not say, “I will never…………..” because past experience has taught me that as soon as I do, the universe will give me a situation where I will end up taking back the words I spoke.
Congratulations! I am very happy for you.